Posts Tagged ‘funny’

IMG_2183This? This was five years ago. He was two.

And tomorrow? That sweet little baby turns seven.

Did you hear me? I said SEVEN.

So, in honor of a day full of Christian, here’s some funny things he’s said…


Christian: A cricket!!!

Me: KILL IT!!!

C: No! They’re God’s creatures! I only kill spiders and snakes.

Me: Well, those are God’s creatures, too.

C: Yeah, but He doesn’t really like them.


C: What are you playing?

Faith: Life.

C: Life stinks.


C: (Doing something super annoying.)

Me: That’s super annoying.

C: Yeah, I know. That’s what I like best about life – being annoying to parents. And I like God and Jesus in my heart.


C: It’s funny to annoy you and Daddy because then you get all worn out and we get to play with our toys. And when we ask you something you say, “eh,” and we will take that as a yes. (Giggle.)


C: When are we getting that elf out?

Me: What do you mean get her out? Santa sends her in December. She’s real.

C: Oh. I thought since she was plastic she wasn’t real.


I know he’s adorable, but seriously. Make him stop growing.





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I know, I know. Thank the dear Lord those fun-cation posts are over, right? You’re tellin’ me!

Those six posts garnered lots of compliments, though. Like, I’m so jealous of your adventure. Wow, that food looks good. You’re hilarious.

Wait, what? I’m hilarious? Why, thank you!

Funny has never been an adjective used to describe me. I’m not entirely mundane (don’t ask ManFriend), but I’m no Dave Chappelle, either. So, when multiple people, including ManFriend and my buddy Caleb (whom we will refer to as “Cadillac” … by request), told me my posts were really funny, I was delighted. In fact, Jamie and Kristi (from the trip) both admitted they literally LOLed when reading my blog. Then again, that was most likely because they knew how hilarious the stories were in person.


I’m funny!

Then. ManFriend and Cadillac BOTH followed up their compliments with “…but not in person.”

Emotional breakdown. Frantic search for joke books. Binge eating.

Okay, so I didn’t really search for joke books.

But I did consult The Google. Because he always has the answers.

So I asked The Google how to be funny. He gave me many resources, including How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid, which I thought was quite helpful. He gave me advice on how to be funny and make new friends, but I said to The Google, “The Google, I don’t need more friends. I just need to make the friends I do have laugh.”

And The Google gave me instructions. Nine of them, to be exact.

1. Don’t take yourself or work too seriously.

Okay. For one, if you know me, you’re laughing. Like, hysterically. I hate my job. In fact, I’m blogging at work as we speak (Hi, boss!) instead of working diligently.

And as for taking myself seriously? Well, okay, maybe I do. I do tend to overanalyze everything occasionally and I’m not really a free-spirit. I like structure. When it’s me structuring. Goal number one: don’t be a prude. I think I can handle that.

2. Keep your wits about you. Be quick with your responses, because much of humor is getting the timing right.

Um, The Google? If I could do this, I wouldn’t be asking you how to be funny, would I? Give me ten minutes and I’ll give you a knee-slapping comeback, but I can’t do it on the spot. I just can’t. Maybe it’s the pressure, maybe theres something missing up there, I don’t know. But this is the very reason I’m a writer. I need time to think of the right words, the right syntax. Does this mean I’ll never be funny? Oh, dear.

3. Know that life is covered by a veneer of phoniness, and see through that veneer. See things for what they are.

How will that make me funny? That’s just depressing.

4. Accept the facts as they are, but exaggerate or distort those facts to draw attention to them.

I hate when people do this. I typically refer to these kinds of people as dramatic. Attention-seeking. And, well, I shouldn’t name names. But if The Google says this will make me funny, I’ll do it.

The Jersey Shore cast is classy and attractive.

Like that? No?

5. Make up games to make the day-to-day aspects of your life more entertaining. For example, figure out why the people in the other cars look the way they do when you’re stuck in a traffic jam.

Okay. I’m starting to lose confidence in The Google. How did my-life-is-so-boring-I-put-needles-in-my-eyes advice get lumped in here? Really? Make up games? First of all, that doesn’t make me funny. That makes me four. Second of all, I don’t have time to conjure up fictional stories about fellow drivers in traffic because I’m too busy yelling at them for being stupid drivers and giving them the finger.

I’m kidding. I whipser.

6. Bring to life characters and stories that people can relate to and recognize in their own lives. Remember that your life is the subject matter you know best, so use it.

Who runs The Google? Frickin’ Oprah? This is the worst advice I’ve been given since marriage counseling. You saw how well that worked.

7. Read your audience and time your jokes correctly. Use pauses to allow the audience – your co-workers, your spouse or whomever – to absorb the humor.

I can walk to the bathroom and forget I had to pee. If I pause mid-sentence, it’s going to take me 10 minutes to remember the punch line of the joke. And what typically happens during this pause moment is me staring at the humor-receiver, and them giving me the “big eyes,” which means … I’m waiting? And then I have to explain, “No, that was the funny part. See? When I said “that’s what she said” it means … Oh, forget it.”

You see my dilemma.

8. Have confidence in your observations and stories.

Google: how to build confidence in your observations and stories.

9. Relax and enjoy life.


Wait, that’s advice? You suck, The Google.

So, with the help of the people who love me most, I’ve concluded I’m not funny. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m a bore. I’m not witty. I only think of hilarious comebacks when the moment has passed. And, actually, the comebacks are less than comical. I’m just a failure.

But I’m learning. I’m learning from ManFriend, who is technically Dane Cook. Except way more attractive. He’s got jokes. And they’re typically aimed at me.

Just thank the heavens you only read my blog and don’t have to know me in person. Unless you do. And then, well, let’s just talk celebrities.

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